The United States of Adam4Adam

There was once a reporter in Baltimore, a little white woman, who heard rumors of random sex taking place every night in a downtown park. By day, it was a favorite spot for joggers and dog walkers but once the sun set, it became a place for drugs and anonymous hookups. She just couldn't contain her curiosity so she grabbed her notebook, tape recorder, and hopefully shiv, and wandered into what would be an exposé that would turn the city upside down. The things she saw that night are the stuff of porn director's wet dreams.

A few snaps of my Blackberry camera and a couple clicks of my mouse later, I felt like that little wide eyed white woman wandering through an online sex park. I was on ManHunt for exactly 2 hours back in 2005ish before I decided that I had seen enough balls and chest hair to last me a lifetime. What I found this time around was a whole new ball game.

*Manhunt, It's Not Just For White Bears Anymore*

You can imagine my surprise when during my recent perusing of ManHunt, I actually found some guys with some color (and I'm not talking spray tan like the boys at Living Room). I didn't realize online hookup sites had become so diverse. Back in my days at Towson University, white guys kept to ManHunt and black guys creeped on BlackPlanet. It appears Adam4Adam has surpassed them both as the premier playground for white guys who like their coffee black and black guys who like their coffee in a dark alley while their girl is out getting her hair did.

*Adam4Adam or Pablo4Pablo?*

Let me set the scene of what A4A is where I come from... If you are 1) Black, 2) On the DL [down low/in the closet for the sheltered kids in the audience], 3) Enjoy unprotected sex with yo baby mama by day and random guys by night, and 4) Have to "travel out" because your three kids at home prevent you from hosting, then you're on A4A.

Salt Lake City's A4A proved to be a great spot to find barely legal boys who wanted to have some fun before spending their adult lives converting the dead and amassing wives.

Austin/Houston boasted every shade of blonde hair and every hue of blue you can think of. And then, of course, you have all the black football jocks. Enough said.

Seattle seemed by far the most conducive to finding friends, apparently by way of coffee dates... I can only assume caffeine counteracts year round cloud cover.

I had a rude awakening when I accidentally chose Tijuana and was bombarded with emails beginning with "hola, papi!" It wasn't long until I realized that I wasn't scamming on guys in Mexico at all. This was, in fact, San Diego.

*E$CORT*

I quickly learned that each region has a certain characteristic that defines whether you will go to college for your MBA or sell your body on the corner of Urine & Crimespree:

Baltimore/D.C. - It seems that boys in this region actually take pleasure from being penetrated by a 12" dick. I attribute this to one of two things: Poppers or A Death Wish.

San Diego - There are only two professions in the Southwest for Mexican boys who are under 5'9" and less that 130lbs... jockey or sex slave.

Las Vegas - They actually don't even have the "escort" feature on their websites. Prostitution is so refined in this area that they've instituted a five $ rating system. $$$$$ means you need to be staying in a penthouse suite with champagne on ice, $$$ means $500 a pop/$750 if you want it during an episode of Project Runway and $ if you're only worth the price of two roofie coladas.

Miami - Never have I ever been so disappointed to see so many beautiful boys replacing letters in their names with dollars signs. Hopefully, Bravo is working on a reality TV show that documents the lives of once beautiful escorts that squandered their money on designer jeans/boozing and are now serving half priced burgers on Tuesday nights.

*Final Thoughts*

If you and your bf are both on Adam4Adam/ManHunt and your profile says "Just looking for friends. Happily in a relationship with ThugRyder" while his profile says "Love blowjobs in dirrty bathrooms"... I'm sure you're going to have a lovely life together.

If you don't show your face online, you're either: A) Doing research for your next blog, B) A shady boy that only likes to pretend to be virginal to his friends/coworkers/family, or C) Compensating for a horrible case of "butter face". (YouTube it if you don't get it)

If you post pics that are clearly not of you, the best photo you've ever taken in your life or was taken before 1996, please feel free to email me the reason why you insist on doing this to: WhatTheHellDoYouThinkYou'reDoing@You'reOnlyGonnaWasteBothOurTime.Seriously

A Witness To What?

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The Rules Of Love

I spent hours writing a blog and when I was finally done, I hated it. It was the rules of love alright but it was MY rules of love. I might as well just write those down in my Hello Kitty journal and call it a day.

I decided to use a lifeline. I phoned a friend. He didn't know the answer, the phone a friend never does. So, I had to use another lifeline. I polled the audience. Over 100 of you responded and some of your answers shook the very foundation of the rules I had written.


These are your rules of love:

Rule #1 - You Gotta Have Trust (27%)

One simple word that kept popping throughout the last couple days but do you really know what it means? I became quickly disheartened when over and over again people weren't able to articulate what they said their #1 rule of love actually meant. Then one of you said something that changed my whole perspective on trust. Then another made it clearer. Then another finally brought it into focus.

I looked it up online and I personally like definition #8: "Something committed or entrusted to one's care for safekeeping." Trust is knowing that the person you love is watching out for you, that they have your best interest in mind, that they want to please you and make you happy. It's believing that they would never intentionally harm you, that nothing can come between you and that they will always be there for you.

Rule #2 - Be Honest (23%)

I wrote in my original blog, "We must all hold back something about ourselves so that we don't lost the spark and the magic of a new relationship. This can sometimes seem like deception but it's important to slowly introduce your partner to your flaws. Despite what they say, no one really wants to know everything about you right for the start..."

The honest truth is that you need to be yourself. You don't have to write down a list of your flaws for consideration by the potential love of your life but you do need to act like yourself and let them see what kind of person you are at your core. Being yourself is far more effective in keeping a relationship together than letting them know they do, in fact, look rather fat in those jeans.

Rule #3 - Learn "Compassionate Communication"® (This is a registered LaMantra but feel free to steal it... I'm sure he won't mind) (14%)

If you don't already know how to really hear someone, to take the time to learn why they are who they are, and to express your emotions to the person you love, then you might want to take some time to develop these skills before you dive into another relationship.

One of you said, "...if one does not understand how the other feels then they do not know the person and can't respect them."

Another said, "...if u have the ability to understand where your partner is coming from by being able to put yourself in their shoes, you can not only work through most things, but you'll also likely have the ability to enjoy & celebrate life's successes better together because u know what makes them happy!"

Rule #4 - You Need Great Sex/Real Passion/Good Chemistry (10%)

These responses varied from the scientific: "Love is no more than a release of endorphins, a firing of one synapse to another..."

To the ever romantical: "Passion is the air that a relationship breathes..."

To the flat out honest: "Actually fuck trust, good sex!!! Bad sex will def break a relationship, trust u can work on, bad sex u can't change"

To the musical: "i don't want somebody to love me...just give me sex whenever i want it. 'cause all i ask for is instant pleasure....instant pleasure, instant pleasurrrrre."

Rule #5 - Take a Louisville Slugger To Both Headlights. (He'll Think Twice Before He Cheats) (8%)

I had to follow up one vote with the question "What's one situation where you'd take back someone who cheated on you?"

She replied, "Kim Wiederholt wrote a book called Dating a Liar, a Cheater, and a Jerk: 100 Reasons Why You Should Take Him Back... I like #47."

"What's #47?!" I probed.

She quickly responded, "A blank page, just like the other 99."


Honorable Mention:

Put Down The Bottle Of Svedka
Don't Get Knocked Up
Polyester: Just Say No
Don't F*ck My Friend

My Mind Says No But Your Bandana Says Go

Let's face it, gays aren't subtle. This is how I snagged my last boyfriend:

Me: You have really nice arms [grabs massive bicep]
Chris: Thanks
Me: Why aren't you in my bed?
Chris: Stay right here, I have to go say bye to my friends

It ended up turning into a relationship and he's a good friend now but it wasn't always so easy for a boy to walk up to a 6'1", 230 lbs. black man and say hello. There was a time when gays had to be a little more slick about hitting on a guy.

If you can believe it, gay guys once used bandanas to serve the same purpose as my extremely clever pick up line above. Some of you that had the pleasure of being of consenting age in the 70s remember the bandana code*. Depending on the color and which back pocket you chose to place it in, a bandana was as effective as the "Sexual Preference" drop down list on Adam4Adam. With just a glance over the dance floor, you were able to find Mr. Right among a mass of potential Mr. Wrongs.

What gays did in between the bandana era and the internet dating revolution is still a mystery to me. It appears that there may have been a time when men actually had to have conversations in order to determine compatability. Our culture, obviously overwhelmed by this standard, quickly invented the internet so that we could ease some of the communicatitive burden that we endured during what can only be refered to as the "dark ages" of gay dating.

Nowadays, gays no longer approach each other in bars. Instead, they choose to take a candid Blackberry picture of their newfound treasure and stay up for countless hours after the club searching for them online. Once the prey has been found among the sea of online profiles, they are engaged by such irresistable messages as "Hey" or "What's up?" or my personal favorite "What you doing?"...To which one can only reply, "Scamming on guys online, duh."

The world of gay-on-gay dating sure has changed over the last couple of decades but we can all rest assured that our pure intentions and commitment to long term relationships have remained intact.

*The list that follows contains graphic information and should not be viewed by people who 1) are underage, 2) should be doing their job and not playing online or 3) the prude. It is by no means complete and color/meanings change depending on your region. Next time a mature gentleman won't leave you alone at the bar, why not make the best of it and inquire about your local bandana code.

Left Pocket - Bottom / Right Pocket - Top
(Remember this as you're reading through this list, kids. It makes a BIG difference)

Black - Hardcore SM play, especially whipping.

Grey - Bondage

White - Mutual masturbation

Red - Fisting

Light blue - Oral sex

Navy Blue - Anal sex

Pink (Hot Pink) - Dildos

Charcoal - Latex, PVC, or Rubber Fetish

Yellow - Watersports

Medium Blue - Uniform fetish

Teal - Cock and ball torture

Khaki - Military Sex (Uniform fetish)

Olive drab - Military person

Kelly green - Sex for money

Hunter green - Daddy/boy sex

Orange - Few limits

Robin Egg Blue - 69

Aqua - Aquaphilia

Lime - Sitophilia (Food fetish)

Chamois - Motorcycle sex (Vroom Vroom)

Dark Pink - Nipple torture

Fuchsia - Spanking

Purple - Piercings

Mustard - Size queen

Gold - Menage-a-trois

Apricot - Chubby chaser

Argyle - Geeks

Gold lamé - Muscle sex (Not what I think of when I see gold lamé but to each his own)

Silver lamé - Celebrity sex

Black leather bandana - Leather fetish

Live Your Cyber Life

Some of you are lucky enough to remember a time when you were just one person that existed in just one place at just one time but that way of life quickly died with the invention of the internet.

MySpace was the "college" of online life. It was a place where you could express yourselves through pictures, music, words, and most importantly, horrendous glitter graphics. MySpace was a fitting name since each page was dripping with personal information and flare.

Just like college, some of you graduated after a few years, some after a few extra senior years and some of you just didn't leave.

If MySpace is the addiction, Facebook is the semi-addictive drug they give you in rehab to make for a soft landing. MySpacers needed, and secretly wanted, to be reigned in. Profile songs, pages with such complicated layouts that they'd freeze even the fastest computers, and spam led millions to flock to this new cyber Shangri-La.

Facebook's "newsfeed" also revolutionized cyber life, whether you noticed it or not. Even with MySpace, there was always this need to visit everyone's page daily to keep up with what they were doing but now, almost everything is just a scroll away. There isn't much that happens in life that you can't find out about on Facebook.

If you were out of town and couldn't attend the party of the season, no worries. You can follow all your friends' status updates, wall posts and view all the Blackberry pics/videos the next day. If you do this while drinking a bottle of pinot, there's a good chance you'll wake up the next morning feeling as if you were really there and not stuck at that horrible family reunion back home.

Facebook's brother went out to a bar one night, did too much blow and couldn't sleep all night so he started updating his status message every five minutes with crucial information like what food he was eating, that he lost his left shoe... again, and that he's still in love with his high school bromance after all these years.

This was the birth of Twitter.

If you want to know whether your friend is ordering mayo or mustard on their burger, see how many other people in the audience "Totally love Britney's bedazzled tranny panties!", or just can't keep it to yourself that you are listening to Ace of Base on your way to work... This is the site for you.

There were always those kids growing up (you know who you are) that jumped in front of the camera when their baby sister was taking her first steps, those kids who counted to see who got the most pics in the yearbook, the people who race to work each day so they can share their unwanted/unsolicited opinions with anyone who will listen. These "mommy, look at me"s flock to YouTube daily to see how many hits their new Single Ladies knock-off video has received overnight.

YouTube is a powerful social tool... gone retarded. It's nearly impossible to find Lady Gaga's new video among the masses of slide show/scrolling lyric impostors, "removed due to copyright infringement" error messages and wannabe divas who have this crazy notion that the world cares to see them singing Pokerface in their bedroom on their webcam with an awful Hannah Montana life-size poster in the background.

YouTube's sister went out to a bar one night to meet up with Twitter, had one too many roofie-coladas and woke up naked in an alley.


This was the birth of XTube.

If you want to see two black guys go at it with a white girl, white boy, tranny of questionable race or Hello Kitty lunchbox, you have found your site.

Over the last couple decades, the gay mating call has evolved from a handkerchief in your back pocket to a "Friendship/Relationship/1-on-1 Sex/3-some/Group" dropdown list.

There is no more need for that awkward moment when you have to introduce yourself or ask for a number because you can just go home and find him online. There is no more worrying about finding a cute top to match your jeans because your trick will have you down to your jock strap before you can say "You're not as cute as your picture." All you really need is one or two pictures that look hotter than you do in real life but not so hot that you won't be recognizable if you choose "Meeting Preference: Public Place" as the shipping method for your next online purchase.

Yes, of course, some people are on there looking for friends... by scrolling through hundreds of pictures and messaging only the ones that they think are hot... or well endowed. This has been the tried and true method of finding friends in the gay community for eons, no need to be different online. If you are relatively attractive, just responding to the barrage of "What's up?" messages will become a daily feat on par with finishing the Sunday crossword puzzle or finishing your statistics homework.

If you want to meet new people, take a pottery class or do something completely crazy like stop hanging out on the same box at the same bar every night of the week. You might just find a treasure you can take home and hunker down with for the next 20 years.

Have you come to the point in your cyber life where you don't even have the heart to scroll through profiles anymore to find people you think you might want to engage in pointless conversation, meet up with for coffee, or just bang behind the 7-Eleven? If so, have we got the site for you. Just click on this link, fill out our quiz and our miracle system will do it for you!

Side effects may include nosebleeds, low self-esteem upon discovering that your "matchs" don't even like you and a sore ass from waiting for Mr. Perfect's profile to load on your dial-up connection.

Some people do arts & crafts, some blog. For bloggers, the internet is a playground. They would rather type that speak. Words, pictures, videos and the occassional link are the tools with which they influence, engage and provoke readers.

They just have a lot of feelings and they may not even go to your school but they will still stand up on that makeshift stage (which was somehow constructed in between scenes while everyone was supposedly writing their apologies on those little pieces of paper) and say what they've got to say.

There comes a time when something super awesome/devastating/ferosh happens in your life and you need to Facebook about it. Like Candi Apple unzipping your friend's pants on the stage at Johnny's. You obviously need to record it for viewing at brunch the following day. Or it could be 4:00am Thursday morning and you're without computer access but two readers messaged you during the night to ask why the hell you haven't blogged in a while. It is at this moment that you thank the baby Jesus that you have decided to live your cyber life to its fullest and bought yourself a Blackberry.

iPhone is Blackberry for people that don't mind going for a year without the ability to copy & paste, send/receive pictures messages or a bunch of other things a cell has been able to do since 2002. But there is this app where you can shake a baby until it dies or pretend to eat popcorn or shoot a shotgun... Essentials if you want to be the life of the party.

Visit http://joelpoll.blogspot.com/ to take the latest Joel Poll: "What's Your Online Drug Of Choice?"

9 Best Foods for Your Skin…

1. Low fat yogurt …

Low fat dairy products are full of vitamin A. This essential vitamin does wonders for your skin. If you have a thyroid problem or diabetes that’s another reason for you to stock up on organic low fat yogurts!

2. Berries …

I am talking about plums, strawberries, blueberries and blackberries (No, not the super amazing phones!). These berries have a great antioxidant capacity which means - the more of these we have, the longer your skin will look youthful and healthy!

3. Salmon …

Our skin needs essential fatty acids. If fish isn’t your thing, try walnuts, flax seed or canola oil. All these will give you an amazing result! Omega 3 and Omega 6 may sound like a Sci-fi flick, but these fatty acids are a must for a beautiful, well moisturized skin.

4. Green tea …

This drink contains polyphenols which have anti-inflammatory characteristics. And despite what some people say, a good tea will not dehydrate your body, it will only work as an anti-oxidant and an anti-inflammatory agent that’ll keep bacteria at bay and will fight off those free radicals that make our skin age early.

5. Water …

Did I even need to mention it?! Good hydration is our skin’s best friend. And I’m talking about good bottled or filtered water in its purest form and not sodas or energy drinks. So ensure that you’re getting at least 8 glasses of water a day for your beautiful skin.

6. Avocados …

Avocado is rich in B-complex vitamins and essential oils and works like an anti-inflammatory agent. It also soothes skin that is red, irritated or blotchy. You can even mix it with yogurt and berries to add some flavor!

7. Mangoes …

Lots of vitamin A is in store with this skin do-gooder! This fruit will repair your skin cells so that your skin doesn’t look flaky. It has only 70 calories per serving so it’s ideal for your weight loss program as well.

8. Cottage cheese …

Apart from calcium, cottage cheese is great for selenium and it’s an essential mineral for a youthful, glowing skin!




9. Almonds …

Vitamin E helps to moisturize your skin from within. It also protects your skin from damage and premature aging. Eating almonds can help your facial tissue stay in its best shape for years!

There you have it, folks - the 9 best foods for your skin. So stock up on these foods next time you do grocery shopping and your bright, young, healthy and glowing skin will be on its way!

Know about other foods that are great for the skin? Please tell me, I’d love to know what they are…

Visit http://joelpoll.blogspot.com to take the "What's Your Favorite Skin Food" poll!

Take A Taxi

Courtney called her mother from Angel Stadium Wednesday night. She was watching a friend pitch the best game of his major league career. "She was so excited for Nick," Stewart-Dixon said of her daughter. "She was so proud of him."Adenhart pitched six scoreless innings against the Athletics. He met Courtney and two friends after the game. Later that night, Courtney, 20, Nick, 22, and Henry Pearson, 25, were killed when a drunk driver ran a red light at a Fullerton intersection.

Kelly was filled with musical talent. She played numerous percussion instruments from the xylophone to the timpani in the Highland High School marching band. She also performed on the flute and guitar, and dabbled with piano. She dreamt of going to college in Australia. The teen's dreams were cut short Saturday due to fatal injuries she suffered in a car crash on her way to perform with her marching band in the Gilbert Days Parade.

Rachel was attending her first year in college and having the time of her life as a young adult. Rachel was caring, responsible, intelligent and talented in many ways - she loved to sing. On February 21, 2008 Rachel was killed by a drunk driver. Ironically, Rachel supported anti-drinking and driving as her own mother was hit by a drunk driver in 1984 at age 18, same as Rachel. Both of her mom's friends died in her arms. Less than one year before Rachel was killed she played one of the lead participants in a high school DUI program called Every 15 Minutes.

Jason Shein, a medical student at Miami University, was an aspiring neurologist. He always went home for the holidays to visit his family. Jason was on Thanksgiving break from the University of Miami and had just had a farewell dinner with three friends. After leaving the restaurant with his friends they were struck by repeat DUI offender

A cyclist was killed and 10 others were injured when a drunk driver ploughed into a bike race. The cyclists were hurled high into the air as a 28-year-old driver, apparently drunk and asleep at the wheel, crashed into the race near the US-Mexico border.

Memories of a Messy Breakup

Christina Walters has always had a way with the boys. Her first year at college was a constant stream of partying, cosmopolitans and attractive men. She used to bore easily so none of her gentleman callers ever got past the third date or second base but she wasn't too concerned with it. She didn't have much time in her life for a relationship anyway.

That all changed her sophomore year when she met Peter Donovan. Peter was also a chain dater, addicted to the passion but with a short fuse for the drama that would quickly follow. It wasn't unlike him to have a different "love of his life" at every Sunday brunch. No one expected this unlikely pair to last but there was a special spark that would keep them together for a really long time.

What followed is still a blur...

Day 2: I really like you.
Day 12: I think I love you.
Month 3: Let's move in together.
Month 6: Let's get a dog.
Month 18: Will you marry me?
Year 2: I do.
Year 4: There's the door.

The ending to their fairy tale love shook both their worlds but was hardly surprising to anyone who had known them. Everyone in town knew, Christina and Peter loved to fight. They were hot and cold, yes and no, on and off, so right yet so wrong. They were so blinded by their love that they were incapable of seeing their relationship for what it really was... two completely opposite people in a very destructive relationship.

Christina had grown up in a broken home and has spent her entire life dealing with her emotions internally and keeping people out of her heart. Peter was part of an extremely functional family. Loving, open and welcoming. They were completely unable, even after years of dating, to figure out what made each other tick. Yes, the love was powerful but in the end, the inability to communicate tore them apart. After 4 years of passion and 17 breakups, Christina called it quits. She thought this would finally bring the roller coaster ride to an end but she was gravely mistaken.

Christina had become close with Peter's friends, a little too close in Peter's opinion. It had always been an issue for Peter and now he had taken it to a whole new level. Many months of drama ensued as Peter approached his friends one by one and demanded that they choose sides. Christina hadn't just been friends with these people, they had become the core of her social network. They had become her family. Peter, on the other hand, was the kind of person that needed to be liked by everybody and spent a good chunk of his time flying all over the world in order to keep up with his ever expanding friend group.

Christina had no idea what to do so she went to her best girlfriend, Katarina Wit, for advice. Kat assured her that she wasn't going anywhere and everything would blow over in time but that wasn't exactly the case. Peter was so upset and hurt that his friends hadn't been loyal to him that he stopped talking to all of them, especially Christina. Months of fighting and awkward encounters followed, especially when they crossed paths at the local bars. Christina became so exhausted that she started making up excuses to stay in on the weekends. It wasn't until Christina moved out of town, to escape the drama, that things started to go back to normal and she began to rebuild what was left of her friendship with Peter.

Nearly a decade later, she sits by her moonlit rooftop pool, sipping from an over sized glass of Pinot Gris, and wonders if it was all meant to happen that way. She wonders if Peter demanding loyalty from their friends wasn't just a manifestation of his social insecurity. She wonders what relationship she might have with Peter today if it hadn't been such a messy breakup. She wonders if leaving New York was the right answer. She even wonders what her life would have been like without him introducing her to all the wonderful friends she still has in her life.

Her flashback is ended by the sound of sirens below and she gropes in the darkness for her cell. She texts "Miss ya, babe. Let's do lunch." to Peter and a simple colon, dash, and parenthesis let's her know that time has healed old wounds and, at the very least, she still has Peter in her life.

Christina Gets Burgled

As Christina Walters tans by the rooftop pool, a cosmo by her side, and stares out over the cloudless Fort Lauderdale skyline, she drifts back to the events of the morning, not yet able to absorb them fully.

She awakes to total darkness. Not another sleepless night, she thinks to herself. She rolls into her favorite position, cuddling on her side with her pillow. A few minutes later she accepts the fact that she's not going to sleep so she reaches for her brand new Blackberry 8900.

Time slips by as she blogs about recent events, debating if this will be one of the few that gets posted. She hears Courtney's alarm and checks the time. 5:30, already? Time to try to sleep again.

A few moments seem to pass. Her door opens. She slowly untangles herself from the cocoon of covers and sleepily opens her eyes just enough to make out Courtney's figure in the darkness. Checking to see if she's up early again, no doubt. She stands at the foot of the bed, expectingly, and then slowly backs out of the room. It isn't long until the sun breaks through the sheer lace curtains and awakes Christina from her short respite from insomnia.

She drinks the remainder of the water on her bedside table, staggers to the bathroom and begins an unusually long steamy shower. With her contacts in place, she can finally see the world clearly. She tumbles the idea of getting Lasik around in her still groggy mind. Time to finish that blog, she reminds herself. She heads to the study where she sees Courtney's memory box open on the floor and it's contents flung haphazardly across the floor. Another night of gin and regret over the long gone love of her life. She texts, "What did you do?" to her emotionally unhinged best friend.

A breeze blows through her naturally blonde hair. Courtney left the french doors open. Messy drunk. She slides it shut and finally turns towards the desk. Where is the computer? Ugh, it must be broken again and Courtney obviously took it to be fixed. She dreads the idea of having to finish her blog on her Blackberry.

She pauses, scans the room... Memory box... Open drawers... French doors... DVDs on the floor... Computer... Courtney in her room... It was Courtney... It must have been Courtney. She sinks into a chair as she realizes that her inner santuary, her own bedroom, her safety, has been violated by a stranger...

She takes a sip of her cosmo as she stares at a skyscraper that looks more like a soda can than a work of South Florida architecture. The sun is unusually strong today. She walks to the side of the rooftop pool and the scenarios rush through her head, mingling with reality... The gun, the puff of smoke, the deafening sound in the quiet darkness, the weakness as she reaches for her phone. Struggling to dial those three life saving numbers. Help would come in time... The pool water is really warm for February, heated, naturally... The flash of metal as the dark figure raises it over his head. The piercing pain. The warm wetness on her chest. The scurrying footsteps... The sun comes out from behind a lone cloud in the sky, where are my sunglasses, she thinks as she squints to keep her focus on the soda can building. Nothing happened. You're safe now. You're safe. It almost sounds comforting.

A pang of hunger. She hasn't eaten today. "Are you blogging?" comes from behind her. She turns to see Dominique smiling. Always a welcome sight. She joins Christina poolside and suggests a walk through a nearby park and a late lunch at one of the two cafes she's recently discovered but hasn't yet patronized. A park. A waterfront lunch. Absolutely.

A friend. A chic afternoon. She's safe. She's safe. Her newest mantra sounds more real as each moment passes.

Christina Walters

In most neighborhoods, it's an event when someone moves to town. Upon seeing a moving van, neighbors start peaking out from behind curtains and spending a little more time at their mailboxes just to get a few glimpses of their new neighbor without appearing nosey. A new neighbor means a world of social possibilities. Everyone wonders which gym they'll be joining, if they have the cooking abilities to make the quiche that's been missing from the monthly dinner party or if they'll have the common sense to paint over that horrible canary color. Yes, in most neighborhoods, a new arrival opens the door to a world of social possibility but in our town, things are a little different.

When Christina Walters came to town, all she could see was a world of manicured lawns and breezy palm trees. As she breathed in the salt air, she thought to herself "This is the nicest place in the world." A New York runway model who surprised the entire industry with her premature retirement, she had left the fast paced streets of the city for a fresh, sunny start. As she mutters a few instructions as to where the chaise lounge should be placed in the den, she catches the eye of a housewife peaking out from behind a beautiful lace curtain across the street. She waves and smiles enthusiastically and is met with a lackluster smile as the housewife disappears momentarily and reappears again at her front door. They strike up a polite conversation and Christina is invited to spend Friday night out at a local bar with a few ladies from the neighborhood. Christina is elated. Not even in town for a few hours and already invited out!

Friday night comes and Christina takes one last look in the mirror. She really is breathtaking. Long naturally blonde hair, flawless skin, a perfect figure and eyes the color of cinnamon. She thinks the same thing she's thought the entire week, "Moving here was the best decision of my life." A 5 minute drive later, she is at the bar with a cosmo in her hand. She doesn't say much, just listens as her new friends ramble on about local gossip with the occasional comment on a new accessory they picked up at Gucci that afternoon. Christina is utterly bored. She turns to the bartender, orders three shots of Patron and to the surprise of her new friends, throws them back in short succession without a chaser. She hits the dance floor and it isn't long until one strap on her dress has fallen off her shoulder and she's dancing for a cute guy on the hardly used stripper pole in the corner. In many neighborhoods, ladies pass the time with arts and crafts but here, they judge. Once the initial shock wears off that is exactly what happens. The girls decide that this newcomer is trouble and will definitely not be coming to poker night. But there is one of them that doesn't seem as surprised as the others by what she is seeing and just quietly watches what is happening on the dance floor.

Three weeks later, Christina is awoken by Miley Cyrus playing on her new flip Blackberry Pearl. It's Veronica, she tells Christina that Sunday night all the girls get together to play poker and she wants Christina to join her for a pre-game cosmo. As they sip on their drinks that night, Christina fills Veronica in on her recent adventures in town. Veronica is amazed by how much Christina has partied since she came to town. Since Christina has more money than she could possibly spend, she has chosen to take a break from working and just enjoy the local hotspots. Poker night turns out to be a less than enjoyable experience for her now that the inviting smiles have faded from everyone's faces and have been replaced with sideways glances and backhanded compliments. Many more nights like this follow and Christina endures them because she doesn't know very many other people and the ones that she does know don't go out hardly as much as these ladies. She's a city girl at heart and can't fathom spending a Friday night in her kitchen perfecting her mother's quiche recipe. Actually, when she thinks about it one Tuesday afternoon, she realizes that she doesn't know any other group in town that gets as many social invites as these gals.

The next few months are rough. Christina has invested a significant amount of her fortune is a new nightclub and is there almost every night, not so much managing her new business as dancing with her top off on the bar. Veronica and her friends frequent the bar since the drinks are always on Christina and you really can't beat the 20.000 gallon aquarium that Christina had installed underneath the glass dance floor. It's true, the girls would never miss a Saturday at Christina's but every time she hops off the bar to ask if they want another round, she can tell that they've just been talking about her. Yes, the girls are always talking about Christina Walters but it's never very nice.

Her relationship with Veronica continues to grow. Veronica curbs her desire to judge her new friend and rather, tries to see what's inside the pretty packaging. Over the next few months, the two start talking almost every day and become socially inseparable, to the continued dismay of Veronica's inner circle. It's one thing to always be in VIP at Christina's but it quite another to share a table with her at brunch. One day, as they are all lounging around the pool, Samantha casually asks, in between sips of her iced tea, "Where's Christina?" Veronica slowly sets down the newest issue of Runway and responds, "Why do you care? You don't even like the girl." Samantha slides off her Prada sunglasses and says in a tone meant to end this conversation, "I. Am. Just. Wondering."

Over the next few weeks, Veronica notices that Samantha and Christina are often off on their own sharing friendly banter. She wonders how she hadn't noticed this before. It isn't long until all the other girls join Samantha in being nice to Christina. This all happens so quickly that it leaves Veronica a little stunned. Veronica and Christina sometimes sit and reminisce about the way things used to be. Veronica is content knowing that Christina is a strong person and will survive whatever this town throws at her and Christina is just happy that she has someone who will always be up for a cosmo and chat.

It's during one of these cosmo and chats that Veronica hears some commotion outside. She walks over to the bay window, pulls back the lace curtain and displays her trademark lackluster smile. As she walks to the front door, she turns and says to Christina, "This totally adorable girl is moving in next door to you. I'm going to invite her out for drinks on Friday."

25 Things We Hate About Facebook

1) The "I just got an Evian from the fridge... Lol!!!" status message.

2) A friend request from your mother.

3) All those pictures of you dancing on the bar.

4) Finding out that your relationship has ended because you're special someone just changed their relationship status to "single".

5) Being murdered because you were the one that changed your relationship status to "single".

6) The "Woe is me, I'm so sad, I need comments!" status message.

7) Stupid applications, except "Attack" and "Lexulous".

8) A friend request from your kindergarten best friend. It seems cool until you find out that she's a pole-dancing mother of 7, married to a trucker in South Dakota.

9) Accidentally friend requesting your boss.

10) Finding out that your best friend was just "HELD UP AT GUNPOINT IN LONDON AND I NEED YOU TO SEND ME $600 RIGHT NOW!"

11) Being blocked from Facebook Chat because Facebook thinks you're a spammer (but you're really just super popular.)

12) People who mistake Facebook for Twitter or even worse, link Twitter to their status message.

13) The Facebook application for iPhone. Not so good. Actually, iPhone in general, get a Blackberry.

14) Being "bitten" by a "zombie".

15) Status messages that are obscure sitcom quotes or lyrics.

16) The "OMG I LOST MAH PHONE AGIN HAHAHA LOLZ NEED UR NUMBERZ!" group request.

17) Horrible pics from the club last night.

18) The "is" in status message.

19) Learning to talk about yourself in third person. Joel David knows this bothers you.

20) Disabling your Wall and replacing it with a Super Wall, forcing your friends to either add another useless application or ignore you. Thank the baby Jesus for the New Facebook.

21) Sending an event invite to Joel David but none to his Entourage.

22) All that money you donated to Hillary Clinton.

23) "It's complicated" What the hell is that? That's not a relationship status, that's a disaster.

24) Hasbro sueing Scrabulous! It's back as Lexulous but it so not as cool anymore.

25) Poke. Enough said.

What's Love Got To Do With It

You want to be happy. You want to be with someone but it just doesn't seem to be working out very often for you. Are you sure you are getting involved with the right kind of person? Are you sure you know what kind of person you are? Read the descriptions below and be honest with yourself. You can't be honest about what you want until you're honest about who you are and what you do.

Happily Ever Afterers

You are addicted to love. You breathe it like oxygen. You need it like water. Without love, you are lost. You are a Happily Ever Afterer. As a child, you sat in front of your TV and longed for Prince Charming to slip the glass slipper on your foot and sweep you off to a future of eternal happiness. Unfortunately, you may find yourself sitting alone in your golden years clinging to this fantasy.

You are wired to expect to fall in love at first sight, have a wild drama filled courtship as you two work together to overcome a major obstacle and then retire into a never ending bliss. The issues arise when you don't have the crazy love at first sight feeling, when dating doesn't come with drama, passion, thrilling adventures or beating some overwhelming odds. When this happens, you don't really consider it love. You don't value it. Did your grandparents have an amazing story about how they met and how she waited for 7 years for him to come back from "the war"? It doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes, people meet on the subway and go get coffee.

Drama isn't just a relationship working out the kinks. It means that you two aren't working out perfectly because you don't fit as well as you initially thought. That's alright. It hardly ever plays out the way we thought. Just be cautious that you don't brush off Prince Charming just because there isn't a 200 foot half-octopus sea witch trying to tear you apart.

Good Girls Who Like Bad Boys

You believe in love. You want a good guy, someone different from all those jerks you've dated before. You don't want no mo' drama. You are a Good Girl Who Likes Bad Boys. The truth is, you don't really want love. You don't really want the good guy. You can't live without the drama. This is the difference between you and a Happily Ever Afterer.

You like the drama because it makes the relationship feel "alive" and exciting. You confuse passion with love. If the guy isn't bad enough for you, you will do things to spice up the situation... and I'm not talking about handcuffs and whips. A lot of people in this category don't even realize what they are doing. They don't notice how they are choosing the wrong people and sabotaging their own relationships.

You are not a bad person. You just don't understand or enjoy the security of a loving and supportive partner. Unfortunately, you will cycle through bad boys until you wake up one day and realize what your pattern is. Even then, it will get worse before it gets better because you will start getting down on yourself for the bad choices you are making. Take a deep breathe. Take some time to journal or whatever you do to work out your emotions and get back in their. Train yourself to enjoy a gentle hug instead of the adrenaline rush that comes from dodging an airborne piece of your grandmother's china.

One Night Onlys

You don't need a relationship to feel complete. You feel held down and smothered when you're exclusive. You love the chase but you never want to chase the same person twice. You are a One Night Only. You fulfill your need for deeper emotions through other channels. You have your work, your family, your friends. You don't need or want someone there when you get home every night. You don't want someone blowing up your cell wondering where you are at three in the morning.

There is a plethora of reasons why people choose this path. Maybe your first experience with love growing up was in a broken home, maybe someone hurt you so bad and it took you so long to work out the feelings (or you haven't yet) that you vowed to never let another person get that close, or maybe you just like having a whole bunch of sex. Who can say if this is the easiest or the hardest of the paths to choose but it does have a whole set of difficulties, many health related, that may not necessarily plague the other groups of lovers.

Most people in this group feel liberated, as if their eyes have been opened to the illusion of love. One thing is for sure, this path has a definite end. There will come a time when you won't be as cute as you once were or you will just run out of people in the town to chase and you'll have to change your M.O. Whether it'll be for better or worse will be entirely up to you.

Poor Unfortunate Souls

You are a Happily Ever Afterer who is depressed that Prince Charming hasn't shown up on his white horse. You are a Good Girl Who Likes Bad Boys who just realized why the cops are always at your house. You are a One Night Only who caught something that a shot in the ass can't cure. You are a Poor Unfortunate Soul. You lie awake at night and wonder how you could have been so stupid. You wonder if it's too late to find happiness.

There is really no point worrying about the mistakes of the past. It's time to get out of bed, throw all the empty bottles of red wine littering your floor into the nearest recycling bin and make a change. It doesn't matter how, just do what works for you. Get a happy pill from your doctor, take a vacation with your friends, spend some time with your family. Find a way to recharge your emotional battery and get back in the game.

Love is real but there is not that "one" person for everyone out there. You did not miss THE one, you missed A one. There are a lot of people just like you that finally get it and are ready to have a relationship that you can deal with. It may be far from the Disney fairy tale but it's gonna work for you and that is your happy ending.

Love, Actuallys

You're already in love with someone. It didn't exactly play out the way you had imagined. They aren't exactly the person you thought you'd be with but that works for you. You are a Love, Actually. You had your obstacles to overcome but you both worked at it and you're still working at it every day. You are honest about what you need and they are honest about what they are able to give.


take the latest Joel Poll about your love personality @ http://joelpoll.blogspot.com

textish

911 me old skool bt I bleev good gramma (not dat anoyin crrct other ppl's gramma but da crrct yur own gramma) is an impt prt of r culture n preservin it shd b a priority of r society. dis is esp impt n y2k9 wen so mne ppl r relying so heavily on r cells 2 stay n touch w/ da demands of wrk n r evr increasn bff grp.

da dwn side w/ da txtn phenom is dat it has a 160 char per txt limit n ndless txtn wasn't offered 'til so lng aftr da invention of txtn. bcuz of dat, w'v unknowingly spawned an ntirely nu 4m of r written lang. i call it, textish. textish has bcum so popula n so widely uzd dat it has seeped n2 r verbal lang n now plagues r evryday convr8shon. how mne tyms has sum1 stood up 2g2 da bthrm n said "brb!" or said 2u "ur a beoytch. jk jk, ur my bffl. gotta run, ttfn!"


1day u'll wake up, pour yrslf a cup of cofy, pik up yur fav mag n read a rndm selection of lettas dat sumhow transl8s n2 a story bout brangelina or obama's nu econmcs. soon, textish wil b integr8d evrywhr n doze of us woo have valued gramma 4 so lng wil need 2 chng or b left bhind. welcom 2 da dawn of a nu era... da birth of textish.


(take da l8st joel poll abt textish @ http://joelpoll.blogspot.com

Social Suicide

Scenario: It's Friday night and you are looking damn fine at the club when your friend introduces you to someone they recently met. You, politely, hold up one finger as you through back the shot of Jager you're holding, chase it with your Redbull and then extend your hand.

The next morning, you ooze yourself out of bed, crawl to the refrigerator for some liquid refreshment, shower the smell of vodka and regret from your body and sit down to check your Facebook. 24 notifications, 2 emails and... 1 friend request. After racking your brain, you realize it's the guy you met for a hot second last night. You accept his request and then...

There are a few ways this could play out. Here are a few guidelines to help your new friendship flourish:

Do NOT: Friend request me, Facebook chat me the minute I accept, invite me to have coffee and go check out this super cool new band that is playing tonight.

Do: Send me an email in the morning on Facebook saying that it was nice meeting me and upon receipt of my positive response, send me a friend request.

Do NOT: Make a comment about every picture taken of me the night before and leave me overly friendly comments on every status message I write.

Do: Test the water by leaving a comment on my witty status message or leave me a positive comment on that photo from last weekend which made me look especially tan and thin.

Do NOT: Touch me the second time I see you in person. Seriously. No arm around the shoulder, no attempt at a peck on the lips and no hand on my waist. I will remove it, promptly.

Do: Come up to me the next time you see me out and remind me who you are because, honey, I meet a lot of people.

Do NOT: Order three shots for yourself and start stumbling into people.

Do: Ask me if I'd like a drink.

Friendships are just like relationships and you need to apply the same rules. I want a little mystery, a little anticipation, and most importantly, a lot of space. I do fall in love at first sight, sometimes. I knew immediately that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my oldest friend, Cordelia, or my best, Tristan. On the other hand, I couldn't stand Courtney Rockcliffe when I first met her but I kept running into her around town and now we are happily growing old together.

Give me some time to fall in love with the wonderful person that you are. I am already at 5,000 texts a month and 100 notifications on Facebook is a slow day but I can always make room in my life for one more amazing person.

Pre-Party Safety

"Hello, and welcome to Jet Joel Flight #911 from Buffalo to NYC with continued service to Baltimore and Fort Lauderdale. If you're going to any of these destinations, you're in the right place. If you're not going to any of these destinations, you're about to have a really long evening."

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of our flight. The most important safety feature we have on this roller coaster ride is... our Entourage. Please get into formation now and do not break it for the duration of this trip."

"There are 3 exits: 1 at the front door, 1 on the patio, and 1 in a body bag. If you're in the back of the formation, please be aware that your baggage may be handled by strangers. Wearing overly revealing jeans would not be a good idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of boys between you and the exit. If the need arises to exit quickly, trust me, you'll be glad you did."

"Please take another moment to make sure your "faux seat belt" belts are fastened low and tight around your waist, unless of course, you are too fat to do this. In that case, tighten your belt wherever you can get it around you and leave it that way until you are able to just say no to carbs. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, press down on the pushy thing just like in your car."

"If you find yourself standing next to an annoying twink, or someone who is acting like an annoying twink, please do us all a favor and put the back of your hand squarely on the side of their face or if you've recently had a manicure, request a member of your Entourage do it for you. If you are traveling with two or more hotties, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Get that one a drink first, and then work your way down."

"In the back pants pocket of the drunk in front of you is a wallet containing all the money needed to fund your drinking habit. Find the nearest cocktail napkin and fan yourself seductively to catch his attention. Engage in flirty conversation until he offers to buy you a drink. Please do this now."

"During takeoff and landing, your speech must be understandable and you should be able to walk in a full, upright and non-stumbling position. If you have the overwhelming urge to dance like a whore on a boy's lap, there are two front, side and rear dark corners for your use. "

"If you are traveling first class, we will be consuming all of the Svedka you can drink prior to take off . If you are stuck in economy, you will get a plastic bottle full of mystery booze. Soft drinks are free for everybody regardless of how many times you've been photographed making out with boys at various bars across town. That includes all of those trips to the bathroom with tricks which you claimed were 'just talking.' Wine, vodka, gin, and Jager are all acceptable drink choices in first class. Those of you drinking whiskey, bourbon, beer, tequila, and all other 'straight' alcohols must move to the business class and all mystery alcohol drinkers will be reassigned to economy, in the back."

"Prematurely aging your friends is never allowed on a Jet Joel flight and thus, there is no smoking allowed while in formation. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out with our cocktail. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside on the patio and one at your house where we will gladly leave you. We do have a movie in the latter smoking section tonight. Hold on, let me check what it is... Oh, here it is. The movie tonight is 'Legally Gross: No One Wants To Hang Out With Me.' "

"In the event of an encounter with a scorned lover, please do not engage in conversation without a member of your Entourage present. In the unlikely event of a sudden loss of consciousness because one of your friends has given you one too many tequila shots, your Entourage will automatically catch you as you fall."

"In a moment we will be turning off the sober lights, and it's going to get really drunk, really fast. If you're afraid of being drunk, now would be a good time to press those little keys on your mobile phone. Those little buttons will signal your other friends to come enjoy a boring night at home with you. Please don't press the speed dial button labeled "Joel" while drunk unless you absolutely have to. Pressing the speed dial button labeled "Joel" while drunk may result in him deleting you from his Blackberry."

"We thank you for choosing Jet Joel. We know you have a lot of choices when you party and we thank you for making the right one. If there's anything else we can do to make you more comfortable, please keep it to yourself."

"Finally, please be careful when opening your eyes in the morning because beer goggles tend to shift and break during the sobering up process."