Pre-Party Safety

"Hello, and welcome to Jet Joel Flight #911 from Buffalo to NYC with continued service to Baltimore and Fort Lauderdale. If you're going to any of these destinations, you're in the right place. If you're not going to any of these destinations, you're about to have a really long evening."

"We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of our flight. The most important safety feature we have on this roller coaster ride is... our Entourage. Please get into formation now and do not break it for the duration of this trip."

"There are 3 exits: 1 at the front door, 1 on the patio, and 1 in a body bag. If you're in the back of the formation, please be aware that your baggage may be handled by strangers. Wearing overly revealing jeans would not be a good idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of boys between you and the exit. If the need arises to exit quickly, trust me, you'll be glad you did."

"Please take another moment to make sure your "faux seat belt" belts are fastened low and tight around your waist, unless of course, you are too fat to do this. In that case, tighten your belt wherever you can get it around you and leave it that way until you are able to just say no to carbs. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, press down on the pushy thing just like in your car."

"If you find yourself standing next to an annoying twink, or someone who is acting like an annoying twink, please do us all a favor and put the back of your hand squarely on the side of their face or if you've recently had a manicure, request a member of your Entourage do it for you. If you are traveling with two or more hotties, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Get that one a drink first, and then work your way down."

"In the back pants pocket of the drunk in front of you is a wallet containing all the money needed to fund your drinking habit. Find the nearest cocktail napkin and fan yourself seductively to catch his attention. Engage in flirty conversation until he offers to buy you a drink. Please do this now."

"During takeoff and landing, your speech must be understandable and you should be able to walk in a full, upright and non-stumbling position. If you have the overwhelming urge to dance like a whore on a boy's lap, there are two front, side and rear dark corners for your use. "

"If you are traveling first class, we will be consuming all of the Svedka you can drink prior to take off . If you are stuck in economy, you will get a plastic bottle full of mystery booze. Soft drinks are free for everybody regardless of how many times you've been photographed making out with boys at various bars across town. That includes all of those trips to the bathroom with tricks which you claimed were 'just talking.' Wine, vodka, gin, and Jager are all acceptable drink choices in first class. Those of you drinking whiskey, bourbon, beer, tequila, and all other 'straight' alcohols must move to the business class and all mystery alcohol drinkers will be reassigned to economy, in the back."

"Prematurely aging your friends is never allowed on a Jet Joel flight and thus, there is no smoking allowed while in formation. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out with our cocktail. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside on the patio and one at your house where we will gladly leave you. We do have a movie in the latter smoking section tonight. Hold on, let me check what it is... Oh, here it is. The movie tonight is 'Legally Gross: No One Wants To Hang Out With Me.' "

"In the event of an encounter with a scorned lover, please do not engage in conversation without a member of your Entourage present. In the unlikely event of a sudden loss of consciousness because one of your friends has given you one too many tequila shots, your Entourage will automatically catch you as you fall."

"In a moment we will be turning off the sober lights, and it's going to get really drunk, really fast. If you're afraid of being drunk, now would be a good time to press those little keys on your mobile phone. Those little buttons will signal your other friends to come enjoy a boring night at home with you. Please don't press the speed dial button labeled "Joel" while drunk unless you absolutely have to. Pressing the speed dial button labeled "Joel" while drunk may result in him deleting you from his Blackberry."

"We thank you for choosing Jet Joel. We know you have a lot of choices when you party and we thank you for making the right one. If there's anything else we can do to make you more comfortable, please keep it to yourself."

"Finally, please be careful when opening your eyes in the morning because beer goggles tend to shift and break during the sobering up process."