Thursday, May 27, 2010

grindr


I dreaded the release of grindr for Blackberry. Not only is it a quicker way to get sex than tapping your foot in a bathroom stall, its solely GPS-based browsing only exacerbates what I think is one of the major flaws of our dating culture; the idea that we'll all find Mr. or Mrs. Right within the same zip code. Well, this isn't Wisteria Lane and we all don't fall in love with our gardener or the plumber that lives across the street. I find it hard to believe that out of the billions of people on this planet, my soulmate lives within a mile radius of Sunrise and Bayview. But with online dating now common place among all social classes and sexual orientations, love and sex are now exactly... 1924.2 feet away, or so my grindr says.

Even though I had quite the disdain for this app even before it was released, I couldn't help but check it out. At the very least, I was hoping to find out why my friends couldn't help but grind at brunch instead of paying attention to their dearest friends. I have to admit, it is the most efficient piece of hookup technology ever invented by our civilization (sorry,Adam4Adam.com) but tonight, as I was laying in bed at 4:00 AM unable to sleep, it brought up a lot of questions about who I date.

I was on my grindr, doing my usual block-anyone-slutty-or-not-cute ritual and a cute guy caught my eye. So I took a look at his profile. There was nothing about fisting or P&P, so I said hi. Then I saw someone who had a tattoo similar to mine so I said hi to him too. It was 4:00 AM and I was talking to a cute white guy and a cute black guy. I thought to myself "you really need to pick a type."

Just then I realized, I do have a type and it has nothing to do with looks. My exs may look different on the outside but on the inside, they're always the same guy. I thought about my last ex and how he was similar to the one before him and how that one was similar to the one before him. I laid there in bed for nearly 20 minutes, intensely reminiscing about old flames, until finally I came to a screeching halt at the beginning. My first boyfriend. My first relationship. I replayed all the good times and bad times we shared over those 6 months, memories that are now nearly a decade old. He was so similar to the guy I just dated. I fell for both of them for all the same reasons and both relationships ended almost identically.

Then my attention turned from me to my friends. How many times had I heard the same relationship story over and over again. How many times had I said "you always pick the guy who's not out yet" or "you always pick the girl who's just not into you" or "you always pick the guy with the Hello Kitty obsession." I constantly want to smack some sense into these friends who keep choosing the wrong guy or girl over and over again.

Too exhausted to think anymore, I walked to the kitchen to see if there was any Haagen Dazs left in the house. As I rummaged through the fridge for something sweet, I thought to myself, "If I am always dating the same guy and my friends are always dating the same person, then... Aren't we all just dating our ex?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A Dream Wedding


Recently, two of my friends entered a contest to win their dream wedding. A chance to celebrate their love via a fabulous party with all their friends and family. It soon changed into something a lot bigger than just a party. It started to turn into a fight against those who tried to break their spirit. It started to turn into a journey that caught the attention of the national media. It even started to turn into a symbol of hope for the GLBT community.

A blogger wrote of them: "Those queers are only 5,000 votes from beating Densey & Mary. (and we all know how accustomed they are to the come from behind win). I don't know if I can control my anger if Nancy & Sissy win this!!!"... and, after saying "excuse me?!", the boys pushed on.

Glaad said of them: "We commend their courage in standing up and celebrating their love despite some defamatory attacks."... and, several interviews later, the boys pushed on.

BeyondReproach wrote on Twitter about them: "Let's all band together and push for change in the name of love. Not hate."... and, after retweeting, the boys pushed on.

Over 20,000 people cast a vote for a dream wedding but to these guys, and to many of us, it was no longer just about winning a romantic wedding. It has become so much more. It has become a gesture of support for our community and our marriage equality fight.

There are really only two kinds of activism: one that changes your laws and one that changes your mind. The latter is always more powerful in the end.

Do I expect a conservative middle American to be at Pride this summer waving a rainbow flag because they followed this story? No, I don't. Do I think thousands upon thousands of people got to see a diiferent side of our community that many people try to hide from them, namely the love between two gay people? Yes, I do.

So, with twenty thousand four hundred and thirty eight votes, my friends Gregory Jones and Jonathan Howard are currently in 2nd place in Crate & Barrel's Ultimate Wedding Contest. What happens now? A panel of highly trained people-who-make-your-dreams-come-true will decide which couple will be having the wedding of their dreams and who will be getting a whole lot of shiny stemware.

To me, it would be a nice statement to the world if these boys won the contest but, in reality, the most important part is already done. Thousands of people voted, blogged, Facebooked, MySpaced, Tweeted, emailed, called and spread the word by mouth that We're Here. We're Queer. And We're Not Going To Hide Our Love.

Thank you, Greg & Jon. I only have one request for the wedding. No matter which way this turns out, please have a chalkboard like you did at your engagement party. :-)

And now, a thank you from the boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmvTfiWbCpg

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The United States of Adam4Adam

There was once a reporter in Baltimore, a little white woman, who heard rumors of random sex taking place every night in a downtown park. By day, it was a favorite spot for joggers and dog walkers but once the sun set, it became a place for drugs and anonymous hookups. She just couldn't contain her curiosity so she grabbed her notebook, tape recorder, and hopefully shiv, and wandered into what would be an exposé that would turn the city upside down. The things she saw that night are the stuff of porn director's wet dreams.

A few snaps of my Blackberry camera and a couple clicks of my mouse later, I felt like that little wide eyed white woman wandering through an online sex park. I was on ManHunt for exactly 2 hours back in 2005ish before I decided that I had seen enough balls and chest hair to last me a lifetime. What I found this time around was a whole new ball game.

*Manhunt, It's Not Just For White Bears Anymore*

You can imagine my surprise when during my recent perusing of ManHunt, I actually found some guys with some color (and I'm not talking spray tan like the boys at Living Room). I didn't realize online hookup sites had become so diverse. Back in my days at Towson University, white guys kept to ManHunt and black guys creeped on BlackPlanet. It appears Adam4Adam has surpassed them both as the premier playground for white guys who like their coffee black and black guys who like their coffee in a dark alley while their girl is out getting her hair did.

*Adam4Adam or Pablo4Pablo?*

Let me set the scene of what A4A is where I come from... If you are 1) Black, 2) On the DL [down low/in the closet for the sheltered kids in the audience], 3) Enjoy unprotected sex with yo baby mama by day and random guys by night, and 4) Have to "travel out" because your three kids at home prevent you from hosting, then you're on A4A.

Salt Lake City's A4A proved to be a great spot to find barely legal boys who wanted to have some fun before spending their adult lives converting the dead and amassing wives.

Austin/Houston boasted every shade of blonde hair and every hue of blue you can think of. And then, of course, you have all the black football jocks. Enough said.

Seattle seemed by far the most conducive to finding friends, apparently by way of coffee dates... I can only assume caffeine counteracts year round cloud cover.

I had a rude awakening when I accidentally chose Tijuana and was bombarded with emails beginning with "hola, papi!" It wasn't long until I realized that I wasn't scamming on guys in Mexico at all. This was, in fact, San Diego.

*E$CORT*

I quickly learned that each region has a certain characteristic that defines whether you will go to college for your MBA or sell your body on the corner of Urine & Crimespree:

Baltimore/D.C. - It seems that boys in this region actually take pleasure from being penetrated by a 12" dick. I attribute this to one of two things: Poppers or A Death Wish.

San Diego - There are only two professions in the Southwest for Mexican boys who are under 5'9" and less that 130lbs... jockey or sex slave.

Las Vegas - They actually don't even have the "escort" feature on their websites. Prostitution is so refined in this area that they've instituted a five $ rating system. $$$$$ means you need to be staying in a penthouse suite with champagne on ice, $$$ means $500 a pop/$750 if you want it during an episode of Project Runway and $ if you're only worth the price of two roofie coladas.

Miami - Never have I ever been so disappointed to see so many beautiful boys replacing letters in their names with dollars signs. Hopefully, Bravo is working on a reality TV show that documents the lives of once beautiful escorts that squandered their money on designer jeans/boozing and are now serving half priced burgers on Tuesday nights.

*Final Thoughts*

If you and your bf are both on Adam4Adam/ManHunt and your profile says "Just looking for friends. Happily in a relationship with ThugRyder" while his profile says "Love blowjobs in dirrty bathrooms"... I'm sure you're going to have a lovely life together.

If you don't show your face online, you're either: A) Doing research for your next blog, B) A shady boy that only likes to pretend to be virginal to his friends/coworkers/family, or C) Compensating for a horrible case of "butter face". (YouTube it if you don't get it)

If you post pics that are clearly not of you, the best photo you've ever taken in your life or was taken before 1996, please feel free to email me the reason why you insist on doing this to: WhatTheHellDoYouThinkYou'reDoing@You'reOnlyGonnaWasteBothOurTime.Seriously