My Mind Says No But Your Bandana Says Go

Let's face it, gays aren't subtle. This is how I snagged my last boyfriend:

Me: You have really nice arms [grabs massive bicep]
Chris: Thanks
Me: Why aren't you in my bed?
Chris: Stay right here, I have to go say bye to my friends

It ended up turning into a relationship and he's a good friend now but it wasn't always so easy for a boy to walk up to a 6'1", 230 lbs. black man and say hello. There was a time when gays had to be a little more slick about hitting on a guy.

If you can believe it, gay guys once used bandanas to serve the same purpose as my extremely clever pick up line above. Some of you that had the pleasure of being of consenting age in the 70s remember the bandana code*. Depending on the color and which back pocket you chose to place it in, a bandana was as effective as the "Sexual Preference" drop down list on Adam4Adam. With just a glance over the dance floor, you were able to find Mr. Right among a mass of potential Mr. Wrongs.

What gays did in between the bandana era and the internet dating revolution is still a mystery to me. It appears that there may have been a time when men actually had to have conversations in order to determine compatability. Our culture, obviously overwhelmed by this standard, quickly invented the internet so that we could ease some of the communicatitive burden that we endured during what can only be refered to as the "dark ages" of gay dating.

Nowadays, gays no longer approach each other in bars. Instead, they choose to take a candid Blackberry picture of their newfound treasure and stay up for countless hours after the club searching for them online. Once the prey has been found among the sea of online profiles, they are engaged by such irresistable messages as "Hey" or "What's up?" or my personal favorite "What you doing?"...To which one can only reply, "Scamming on guys online, duh."

The world of gay-on-gay dating sure has changed over the last couple of decades but we can all rest assured that our pure intentions and commitment to long term relationships have remained intact.

*The list that follows contains graphic information and should not be viewed by people who 1) are underage, 2) should be doing their job and not playing online or 3) the prude. It is by no means complete and color/meanings change depending on your region. Next time a mature gentleman won't leave you alone at the bar, why not make the best of it and inquire about your local bandana code.

Left Pocket - Bottom / Right Pocket - Top
(Remember this as you're reading through this list, kids. It makes a BIG difference)

Black - Hardcore SM play, especially whipping.

Grey - Bondage

White - Mutual masturbation

Red - Fisting

Light blue - Oral sex

Navy Blue - Anal sex

Pink (Hot Pink) - Dildos

Charcoal - Latex, PVC, or Rubber Fetish

Yellow - Watersports

Medium Blue - Uniform fetish

Teal - Cock and ball torture

Khaki - Military Sex (Uniform fetish)

Olive drab - Military person

Kelly green - Sex for money

Hunter green - Daddy/boy sex

Orange - Few limits

Robin Egg Blue - 69

Aqua - Aquaphilia

Lime - Sitophilia (Food fetish)

Chamois - Motorcycle sex (Vroom Vroom)

Dark Pink - Nipple torture

Fuchsia - Spanking

Purple - Piercings

Mustard - Size queen

Gold - Menage-a-trois

Apricot - Chubby chaser

Argyle - Geeks

Gold lamé - Muscle sex (Not what I think of when I see gold lamé but to each his own)

Silver lamé - Celebrity sex

Black leather bandana - Leather fetish

Live Your Cyber Life

Some of you are lucky enough to remember a time when you were just one person that existed in just one place at just one time but that way of life quickly died with the invention of the internet.

MySpace was the "college" of online life. It was a place where you could express yourselves through pictures, music, words, and most importantly, horrendous glitter graphics. MySpace was a fitting name since each page was dripping with personal information and flare.

Just like college, some of you graduated after a few years, some after a few extra senior years and some of you just didn't leave.

If MySpace is the addiction, Facebook is the semi-addictive drug they give you in rehab to make for a soft landing. MySpacers needed, and secretly wanted, to be reigned in. Profile songs, pages with such complicated layouts that they'd freeze even the fastest computers, and spam led millions to flock to this new cyber Shangri-La.

Facebook's "newsfeed" also revolutionized cyber life, whether you noticed it or not. Even with MySpace, there was always this need to visit everyone's page daily to keep up with what they were doing but now, almost everything is just a scroll away. There isn't much that happens in life that you can't find out about on Facebook.

If you were out of town and couldn't attend the party of the season, no worries. You can follow all your friends' status updates, wall posts and view all the Blackberry pics/videos the next day. If you do this while drinking a bottle of pinot, there's a good chance you'll wake up the next morning feeling as if you were really there and not stuck at that horrible family reunion back home.

Facebook's brother went out to a bar one night, did too much blow and couldn't sleep all night so he started updating his status message every five minutes with crucial information like what food he was eating, that he lost his left shoe... again, and that he's still in love with his high school bromance after all these years.

This was the birth of Twitter.

If you want to know whether your friend is ordering mayo or mustard on their burger, see how many other people in the audience "Totally love Britney's bedazzled tranny panties!", or just can't keep it to yourself that you are listening to Ace of Base on your way to work... This is the site for you.

There were always those kids growing up (you know who you are) that jumped in front of the camera when their baby sister was taking her first steps, those kids who counted to see who got the most pics in the yearbook, the people who race to work each day so they can share their unwanted/unsolicited opinions with anyone who will listen. These "mommy, look at me"s flock to YouTube daily to see how many hits their new Single Ladies knock-off video has received overnight.

YouTube is a powerful social tool... gone retarded. It's nearly impossible to find Lady Gaga's new video among the masses of slide show/scrolling lyric impostors, "removed due to copyright infringement" error messages and wannabe divas who have this crazy notion that the world cares to see them singing Pokerface in their bedroom on their webcam with an awful Hannah Montana life-size poster in the background.

YouTube's sister went out to a bar one night to meet up with Twitter, had one too many roofie-coladas and woke up naked in an alley.


This was the birth of XTube.

If you want to see two black guys go at it with a white girl, white boy, tranny of questionable race or Hello Kitty lunchbox, you have found your site.

Over the last couple decades, the gay mating call has evolved from a handkerchief in your back pocket to a "Friendship/Relationship/1-on-1 Sex/3-some/Group" dropdown list.

There is no more need for that awkward moment when you have to introduce yourself or ask for a number because you can just go home and find him online. There is no more worrying about finding a cute top to match your jeans because your trick will have you down to your jock strap before you can say "You're not as cute as your picture." All you really need is one or two pictures that look hotter than you do in real life but not so hot that you won't be recognizable if you choose "Meeting Preference: Public Place" as the shipping method for your next online purchase.

Yes, of course, some people are on there looking for friends... by scrolling through hundreds of pictures and messaging only the ones that they think are hot... or well endowed. This has been the tried and true method of finding friends in the gay community for eons, no need to be different online. If you are relatively attractive, just responding to the barrage of "What's up?" messages will become a daily feat on par with finishing the Sunday crossword puzzle or finishing your statistics homework.

If you want to meet new people, take a pottery class or do something completely crazy like stop hanging out on the same box at the same bar every night of the week. You might just find a treasure you can take home and hunker down with for the next 20 years.

Have you come to the point in your cyber life where you don't even have the heart to scroll through profiles anymore to find people you think you might want to engage in pointless conversation, meet up with for coffee, or just bang behind the 7-Eleven? If so, have we got the site for you. Just click on this link, fill out our quiz and our miracle system will do it for you!

Side effects may include nosebleeds, low self-esteem upon discovering that your "matchs" don't even like you and a sore ass from waiting for Mr. Perfect's profile to load on your dial-up connection.

Some people do arts & crafts, some blog. For bloggers, the internet is a playground. They would rather type that speak. Words, pictures, videos and the occassional link are the tools with which they influence, engage and provoke readers.

They just have a lot of feelings and they may not even go to your school but they will still stand up on that makeshift stage (which was somehow constructed in between scenes while everyone was supposedly writing their apologies on those little pieces of paper) and say what they've got to say.

There comes a time when something super awesome/devastating/ferosh happens in your life and you need to Facebook about it. Like Candi Apple unzipping your friend's pants on the stage at Johnny's. You obviously need to record it for viewing at brunch the following day. Or it could be 4:00am Thursday morning and you're without computer access but two readers messaged you during the night to ask why the hell you haven't blogged in a while. It is at this moment that you thank the baby Jesus that you have decided to live your cyber life to its fullest and bought yourself a Blackberry.

iPhone is Blackberry for people that don't mind going for a year without the ability to copy & paste, send/receive pictures messages or a bunch of other things a cell has been able to do since 2002. But there is this app where you can shake a baby until it dies or pretend to eat popcorn or shoot a shotgun... Essentials if you want to be the life of the party.

Visit http://joelpoll.blogspot.com/ to take the latest Joel Poll: "What's Your Online Drug Of Choice?"