Friday, February 13, 2009

Christina Gets Burgled

As Christina Walters tans by the rooftop pool, a cosmo by her side, and stares out over the cloudless Fort Lauderdale skyline, she drifts back to the events of the morning, not yet able to absorb them fully.

She awakes to total darkness. Not another sleepless night, she thinks to herself. She rolls into her favorite position, cuddling on her side with her pillow. A few minutes later she accepts the fact that she's not going to sleep so she reaches for her brand new Blackberry 8900.

Time slips by as she blogs about recent events, debating if this will be one of the few that gets posted. She hears Courtney's alarm and checks the time. 5:30, already? Time to try to sleep again.

A few moments seem to pass. Her door opens. She slowly untangles herself from the cocoon of covers and sleepily opens her eyes just enough to make out Courtney's figure in the darkness. Checking to see if she's up early again, no doubt. She stands at the foot of the bed, expectingly, and then slowly backs out of the room. It isn't long until the sun breaks through the sheer lace curtains and awakes Christina from her short respite from insomnia.

She drinks the remainder of the water on her bedside table, staggers to the bathroom and begins an unusually long steamy shower. With her contacts in place, she can finally see the world clearly. She tumbles the idea of getting Lasik around in her still groggy mind. Time to finish that blog, she reminds herself. She heads to the study where she sees Courtney's memory box open on the floor and it's contents flung haphazardly across the floor. Another night of gin and regret over the long gone love of her life. She texts, "What did you do?" to her emotionally unhinged best friend.

A breeze blows through her naturally blonde hair. Courtney left the french doors open. Messy drunk. She slides it shut and finally turns towards the desk. Where is the computer? Ugh, it must be broken again and Courtney obviously took it to be fixed. She dreads the idea of having to finish her blog on her Blackberry.

She pauses, scans the room... Memory box... Open drawers... French doors... DVDs on the floor... Computer... Courtney in her room... It was Courtney... It must have been Courtney. She sinks into a chair as she realizes that her inner santuary, her own bedroom, her safety, has been violated by a stranger...

She takes a sip of her cosmo as she stares at a skyscraper that looks more like a soda can than a work of South Florida architecture. The sun is unusually strong today. She walks to the side of the rooftop pool and the scenarios rush through her head, mingling with reality... The gun, the puff of smoke, the deafening sound in the quiet darkness, the weakness as she reaches for her phone. Struggling to dial those three life saving numbers. Help would come in time... The pool water is really warm for February, heated, naturally... The flash of metal as the dark figure raises it over his head. The piercing pain. The warm wetness on her chest. The scurrying footsteps... The sun comes out from behind a lone cloud in the sky, where are my sunglasses, she thinks as she squints to keep her focus on the soda can building. Nothing happened. You're safe now. You're safe. It almost sounds comforting.

A pang of hunger. She hasn't eaten today. "Are you blogging?" comes from behind her. She turns to see Dominique smiling. Always a welcome sight. She joins Christina poolside and suggests a walk through a nearby park and a late lunch at one of the two cafes she's recently discovered but hasn't yet patronized. A park. A waterfront lunch. Absolutely.

A friend. A chic afternoon. She's safe. She's safe. Her newest mantra sounds more real as each moment passes.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Christina Walters

In most neighborhoods, it's an event when someone moves to town. Upon seeing a moving van, neighbors start peaking out from behind curtains and spending a little more time at their mailboxes just to get a few glimpses of their new neighbor without appearing nosey. A new neighbor means a world of social possibilities. Everyone wonders which gym they'll be joining, if they have the cooking abilities to make the quiche that's been missing from the monthly dinner party or if they'll have the common sense to paint over that horrible canary color. Yes, in most neighborhoods, a new arrival opens the door to a world of social possibility but in our town, things are a little different.

When Christina Walters came to town, all she could see was a world of manicured lawns and breezy palm trees. As she breathed in the salt air, she thought to herself "This is the nicest place in the world." A New York runway model who surprised the entire industry with her premature retirement, she had left the fast paced streets of the city for a fresh, sunny start. As she mutters a few instructions as to where the chaise lounge should be placed in the den, she catches the eye of a housewife peaking out from behind a beautiful lace curtain across the street. She waves and smiles enthusiastically and is met with a lackluster smile as the housewife disappears momentarily and reappears again at her front door. They strike up a polite conversation and Christina is invited to spend Friday night out at a local bar with a few ladies from the neighborhood. Christina is elated. Not even in town for a few hours and already invited out!

Friday night comes and Christina takes one last look in the mirror. She really is breathtaking. Long naturally blonde hair, flawless skin, a perfect figure and eyes the color of cinnamon. She thinks the same thing she's thought the entire week, "Moving here was the best decision of my life." A 5 minute drive later, she is at the bar with a cosmo in her hand. She doesn't say much, just listens as her new friends ramble on about local gossip with the occasional comment on a new accessory they picked up at Gucci that afternoon. Christina is utterly bored. She turns to the bartender, orders three shots of Patron and to the surprise of her new friends, throws them back in short succession without a chaser. She hits the dance floor and it isn't long until one strap on her dress has fallen off her shoulder and she's dancing for a cute guy on the hardly used stripper pole in the corner. In many neighborhoods, ladies pass the time with arts and crafts but here, they judge. Once the initial shock wears off that is exactly what happens. The girls decide that this newcomer is trouble and will definitely not be coming to poker night. But there is one of them that doesn't seem as surprised as the others by what she is seeing and just quietly watches what is happening on the dance floor.

Three weeks later, Christina is awoken by Miley Cyrus playing on her new flip Blackberry Pearl. It's Veronica, she tells Christina that Sunday night all the girls get together to play poker and she wants Christina to join her for a pre-game cosmo. As they sip on their drinks that night, Christina fills Veronica in on her recent adventures in town. Veronica is amazed by how much Christina has partied since she came to town. Since Christina has more money than she could possibly spend, she has chosen to take a break from working and just enjoy the local hotspots. Poker night turns out to be a less than enjoyable experience for her now that the inviting smiles have faded from everyone's faces and have been replaced with sideways glances and backhanded compliments. Many more nights like this follow and Christina endures them because she doesn't know very many other people and the ones that she does know don't go out hardly as much as these ladies. She's a city girl at heart and can't fathom spending a Friday night in her kitchen perfecting her mother's quiche recipe. Actually, when she thinks about it one Tuesday afternoon, she realizes that she doesn't know any other group in town that gets as many social invites as these gals.

The next few months are rough. Christina has invested a significant amount of her fortune is a new nightclub and is there almost every night, not so much managing her new business as dancing with her top off on the bar. Veronica and her friends frequent the bar since the drinks are always on Christina and you really can't beat the 20.000 gallon aquarium that Christina had installed underneath the glass dance floor. It's true, the girls would never miss a Saturday at Christina's but every time she hops off the bar to ask if they want another round, she can tell that they've just been talking about her. Yes, the girls are always talking about Christina Walters but it's never very nice.

Her relationship with Veronica continues to grow. Veronica curbs her desire to judge her new friend and rather, tries to see what's inside the pretty packaging. Over the next few months, the two start talking almost every day and become socially inseparable, to the continued dismay of Veronica's inner circle. It's one thing to always be in VIP at Christina's but it quite another to share a table with her at brunch. One day, as they are all lounging around the pool, Samantha casually asks, in between sips of her iced tea, "Where's Christina?" Veronica slowly sets down the newest issue of Runway and responds, "Why do you care? You don't even like the girl." Samantha slides off her Prada sunglasses and says in a tone meant to end this conversation, "I. Am. Just. Wondering."

Over the next few weeks, Veronica notices that Samantha and Christina are often off on their own sharing friendly banter. She wonders how she hadn't noticed this before. It isn't long until all the other girls join Samantha in being nice to Christina. This all happens so quickly that it leaves Veronica a little stunned. Veronica and Christina sometimes sit and reminisce about the way things used to be. Veronica is content knowing that Christina is a strong person and will survive whatever this town throws at her and Christina is just happy that she has someone who will always be up for a cosmo and chat.

It's during one of these cosmo and chats that Veronica hears some commotion outside. She walks over to the bay window, pulls back the lace curtain and displays her trademark lackluster smile. As she walks to the front door, she turns and says to Christina, "This totally adorable girl is moving in next door to you. I'm going to invite her out for drinks on Friday."

Friday, February 6, 2009

25 Things We Hate About Facebook

1) The "I just got an Evian from the fridge... Lol!!!" status message.

2) A friend request from your mother.

3) All those pictures of you dancing on the bar.

4) Finding out that your relationship has ended because you're special someone just changed their relationship status to "single".

5) Being murdered because you were the one that changed your relationship status to "single".

6) The "Woe is me, I'm so sad, I need comments!" status message.

7) Stupid applications, except "Attack" and "Lexulous".

8) A friend request from your kindergarten best friend. It seems cool until you find out that she's a pole-dancing mother of 7, married to a trucker in South Dakota.

9) Accidentally friend requesting your boss.

10) Finding out that your best friend was just "HELD UP AT GUNPOINT IN LONDON AND I NEED YOU TO SEND ME $600 RIGHT NOW!"

11) Being blocked from Facebook Chat because Facebook thinks you're a spammer (but you're really just super popular.)

12) People who mistake Facebook for Twitter or even worse, link Twitter to their status message.

13) The Facebook application for iPhone. Not so good. Actually, iPhone in general, get a Blackberry.

14) Being "bitten" by a "zombie".

15) Status messages that are obscure sitcom quotes or lyrics.

16) The "OMG I LOST MAH PHONE AGIN HAHAHA LOLZ NEED UR NUMBERZ!" group request.

17) Horrible pics from the club last night.

18) The "is" in status message.

19) Learning to talk about yourself in third person. Joel David knows this bothers you.

20) Disabling your Wall and replacing it with a Super Wall, forcing your friends to either add another useless application or ignore you. Thank the baby Jesus for the New Facebook.

21) Sending an event invite to Joel David but none to his Entourage.

22) All that money you donated to Hillary Clinton.

23) "It's complicated" What the hell is that? That's not a relationship status, that's a disaster.

24) Hasbro sueing Scrabulous! It's back as Lexulous but it so not as cool anymore.

25) Poke. Enough said.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What's Love Got To Do With It

You want to be happy. You want to be with someone but it just doesn't seem to be working out very often for you. Are you sure you are getting involved with the right kind of person? Are you sure you know what kind of person you are? Read the descriptions below and be honest with yourself. You can't be honest about what you want until you're honest about who you are and what you do.

Happily Ever Afterers

You are addicted to love. You breathe it like oxygen. You need it like water. Without love, you are lost. You are a Happily Ever Afterer. As a child, you sat in front of your TV and longed for Prince Charming to slip the glass slipper on your foot and sweep you off to a future of eternal happiness. Unfortunately, you may find yourself sitting alone in your golden years clinging to this fantasy.

You are wired to expect to fall in love at first sight, have a wild drama filled courtship as you two work together to overcome a major obstacle and then retire into a never ending bliss. The issues arise when you don't have the crazy love at first sight feeling, when dating doesn't come with drama, passion, thrilling adventures or beating some overwhelming odds. When this happens, you don't really consider it love. You don't value it. Did your grandparents have an amazing story about how they met and how she waited for 7 years for him to come back from "the war"? It doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes, people meet on the subway and go get coffee.

Drama isn't just a relationship working out the kinks. It means that you two aren't working out perfectly because you don't fit as well as you initially thought. That's alright. It hardly ever plays out the way we thought. Just be cautious that you don't brush off Prince Charming just because there isn't a 200 foot half-octopus sea witch trying to tear you apart.

Good Girls Who Like Bad Boys

You believe in love. You want a good guy, someone different from all those jerks you've dated before. You don't want no mo' drama. You are a Good Girl Who Likes Bad Boys. The truth is, you don't really want love. You don't really want the good guy. You can't live without the drama. This is the difference between you and a Happily Ever Afterer.

You like the drama because it makes the relationship feel "alive" and exciting. You confuse passion with love. If the guy isn't bad enough for you, you will do things to spice up the situation... and I'm not talking about handcuffs and whips. A lot of people in this category don't even realize what they are doing. They don't notice how they are choosing the wrong people and sabotaging their own relationships.

You are not a bad person. You just don't understand or enjoy the security of a loving and supportive partner. Unfortunately, you will cycle through bad boys until you wake up one day and realize what your pattern is. Even then, it will get worse before it gets better because you will start getting down on yourself for the bad choices you are making. Take a deep breathe. Take some time to journal or whatever you do to work out your emotions and get back in their. Train yourself to enjoy a gentle hug instead of the adrenaline rush that comes from dodging an airborne piece of your grandmother's china.

One Night Onlys

You don't need a relationship to feel complete. You feel held down and smothered when you're exclusive. You love the chase but you never want to chase the same person twice. You are a One Night Only. You fulfill your need for deeper emotions through other channels. You have your work, your family, your friends. You don't need or want someone there when you get home every night. You don't want someone blowing up your cell wondering where you are at three in the morning.

There is a plethora of reasons why people choose this path. Maybe your first experience with love growing up was in a broken home, maybe someone hurt you so bad and it took you so long to work out the feelings (or you haven't yet) that you vowed to never let another person get that close, or maybe you just like having a whole bunch of sex. Who can say if this is the easiest or the hardest of the paths to choose but it does have a whole set of difficulties, many health related, that may not necessarily plague the other groups of lovers.

Most people in this group feel liberated, as if their eyes have been opened to the illusion of love. One thing is for sure, this path has a definite end. There will come a time when you won't be as cute as you once were or you will just run out of people in the town to chase and you'll have to change your M.O. Whether it'll be for better or worse will be entirely up to you.

Poor Unfortunate Souls

You are a Happily Ever Afterer who is depressed that Prince Charming hasn't shown up on his white horse. You are a Good Girl Who Likes Bad Boys who just realized why the cops are always at your house. You are a One Night Only who caught something that a shot in the ass can't cure. You are a Poor Unfortunate Soul. You lie awake at night and wonder how you could have been so stupid. You wonder if it's too late to find happiness.

There is really no point worrying about the mistakes of the past. It's time to get out of bed, throw all the empty bottles of red wine littering your floor into the nearest recycling bin and make a change. It doesn't matter how, just do what works for you. Get a happy pill from your doctor, take a vacation with your friends, spend some time with your family. Find a way to recharge your emotional battery and get back in the game.

Love is real but there is not that "one" person for everyone out there. You did not miss THE one, you missed A one. There are a lot of people just like you that finally get it and are ready to have a relationship that you can deal with. It may be far from the Disney fairy tale but it's gonna work for you and that is your happy ending.

Love, Actuallys

You're already in love with someone. It didn't exactly play out the way you had imagined. They aren't exactly the person you thought you'd be with but that works for you. You are a Love, Actually. You had your obstacles to overcome but you both worked at it and you're still working at it every day. You are honest about what you need and they are honest about what they are able to give.


take the latest Joel Poll about your love personality @ http://joelpoll.blogspot.com